First Real Post

Originally, my public blog was started as part of an assignment in Digital Literature (which, appropriately enough, was an online course). The assignment included at least two posts, if memory serves me correctly, and I am neglecting those as they had nothing of substance. Taking a cue from the lectionary, I am tackling the blog posts in order. Just as the lectionary is designed to make sure none of scripture is neglected through forgetfulness or avoidance of difficult topics, I am choosing to discuss blog posts in chronological order (skipping fluff posts as I see fit: I am still the author of this blog after all).

Without further ado, this post is from Monday, 8-July 2002:

Hello reader.

Do unexplainable, freaky things ever happen around your house? I was debating whether to publish this experience, but I think it will be entertaining (and possibly even thought-provoking {gasp!}).

It started Tuesday night. I had watched History's Mysteries or Unsolved Mysteries or some such show that night. It featured mummified corpses, and showed a few of them in detail. That night, I woke up suddenly at about 3am. I was absolutely, completely awake instantly and saw against the opposite wall of my room an image of a warrior-skeleton. I know that sounds odd, but that is the best way I can describe it. The head was a skull, very sinister and dark, and it rested upon a massive, solidly-built body. I call it a warrior because it appeared to be clad in some sort of thick shroud draped upon his shoulders, with heavy epaulettes over this. His left arm was at his side, but his right was bent at the elbow and slightly extended with the hand open loosely in front of where his sternum would be. This image had startled me awake. I realized, of course, that it was merely a mental image inspired by the program I had watched. The "skull" was a Mayan calendar hanging on my wall, and the "body" was my over-filled and messy bookcase. Still, the image was burned into my mind. The neighbour's dog started barking, so I loaded the bb gun that my roommate has hanging over the mantle and placed it beside my bed. The dog did not bark after that, so I did not use the gun.

The next morning, I shot a few rounds of bbs into a paper target, to improve my aim. I unloaded the gun and relaxed the springs before placing it above the mantle. It is better for springs to be stored relaxed than tensed, so I know and remember very clearly that I did this. Later that day, while I was working on one of my research papers, I heard an odd metallic clinking sound. It did not sound like something falling, and I could not immediately place the sound. So, I got up and started looking through the house. The gun was still above the mantle, but it was cocked. The doors were still locked, and I was the only one home. I released the springs, and discovered that the gun had actually been cocked as though it was loaded (which it was not). That is, it was as if the top carriage had been retracted, rather than just pulling the hammer back. Due to the stiffness of the spring, it is energetically impossible for this to have occurred from equilibrium without a significant input of energy. In other words, someone or something had to intentionally expend effort to pull the carriage back and replace the gun to its original position (there is not room where it hangs to do it while staying on its hook).

Those who know me, know that I am an insufferable skeptic. I look for the most scientific and logical explanations for phenomena. I also am very aware of my mental condition (in that, I can tell the difference between when I am imagining something and when it actually occurs). This event is not satisfactorily explained. I really do not know how it happened, and I am very reluctant to attribute it to supernatural forces. What was the purpose of the event? Who, or what, did it? These are questions that I would like answered.

I do realize the first story is pretty lame. It is included mainly for completeness, but also serves to show that I did have the presence of mind to critique my experiences rationally. Yet, it still puzzles me how that gun could have been cocked.

The most important comment I want to make regards the final paragraph. "I also am very aware of my mental condition." That is simply not true. I know now that the amount I really understand about myself is so incredibly minute in comparison with what is a complete mystery to me. Since that post was written, I have come out of the closet, suffered protracted clinical depression, attempted suicide, and struggled with substance abuse. I do not understand myself or why I do things sometimes. In particular, I do not understand how emotions are supposed to work or how to deal with them, but I am trying. I cannot in good faith claim to be fully aware of "my mental condition." Further, I was taking Acutane at the time, which I realize now altered my mental state (even to the point of hallucinations by the end of the course). Thus, in all humility, my posted statement is hereby amended.